Hey Mom,
Well, they say spring is here but aside from it being April 19th, nothing says spring. It was snowing today, windy and the weather seemed to affect everyone's moods. I had a horrible evening last night filled with fighting kids, smoke detectors going off, pagers going off which meant Blaine running out the door on call and missing wheels for Malakai's car for his car race. We managed to somehow get out the door but it only led to more sadness when poor Malakai's car came in last for every race. I was reminded of how sad I used to get when Jill Mielke would get all the awards and I would get nothing. He did however win a trophy for design though so it cheered us all up.
Ginny and I went to see dad today. He told Ginny to look at the picture of the couple on his T.V stand. "What a nice couple, huh Ginny!" He says as he points to the picture of you and him. I can't help but look at your chair, now sitting across from us. He has placed your blanket so nicely on it. Ginny picks up the paper sitting on the couch. "Who is that?" He asks. Ginny gets all excited and says "Mom! Opa is in the paper!" I can't believe it until I see it with my own eyes. Sure enough, there he is with a smile on his face, his hands in the air enjoying Laughing Yoga!" Sorry mom, you are all ready in heaven so there is no dying again. You heard me though. They somehow got him to go to laughing yoga, not once, but twice. It should make me happy but it doesn't. It makes me sad. It makes my heart clench and my chest tight. It is so good for him to get down there and do things but it is just not how I expected to happen. I wanted you to be able to enjoy it there as well.
Tomorrow is one month since you left us. I don't hear your voice as clearly any more although I have started dreaming about you. Good dreams, but they are in the middle of the night and I can't remember them. I want so bad to remember them. Finally in this last dream I had, you were so happy. I remember laughing with you and you telling me something. I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake in not taking more time off of work. I feel as though anything will set me off in a fluster lately. I hate taking it out on the kids but their bickering and fighting is what usually sets me off. Sometimes I see someone and they are only trying to be friendly by conversing with me but all I see is moving lips and then I actually think in my head ..."Seriously? Do you really think that is important?" I know!! That's not so good. You have no idea of how much I have considered stress leave. Even just the thought puts me in tears. I can't! I don't want to wreck anyones plans for holidays right now both family and at work. I don't want to let work down. I just need a break, but everyone at work needs a break. Everyone has their own little crisis going on. Why should mine be any more worse? It's so bad that I have even thought about wishing for a sick day. You and I both know ... That is not me!
I could sit here and talk to you forever, listening to the sounds of the kids helping Blaine build the new BBQ. Too bad I can't.
Love you,
Always and Forever.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
He's here with me now (part two)
We had a wonderful day at the WEM waterpark, Blaine the kids and I. On our way home we ordered pizza and brought it dad's to have supper with him. Supper was good and the kids enjoyed teasing Opa. It reminded me right away of the supper we had together when you decided enough was enough and you checked yourself out of the University hospital. You were so overjoyed to have us over for dinner that you cried. When we were done eating dad asked if I could pack up your jewellery and clothes. This was the third time he asked so although I was not ready, I had to accept the fact that he was. After we were done he threw around the idea of moving the living room furniture around so he could look out the window better.
When we got home that night with your belongings in tow I was hit with the realization that I was not angry with God but I was now angry with dad. For the last few months he refused to go down stairs for supper and sometimes lunch as well. You and I both noticed that he stopped shaving and the way he treated you sometimes made me uncomfortable and upset. Now, just like that he is going down for not only breakfast and lunch but for supper as well. Just like that he is hanging up his pictures and rearranging his furniture. After putting the kids to bed I went upstairs to take a hot bath. Even that didn't take my sorrow away. Nothing was working so I reached for your bible and searched your markings for something.
After flipping through I finally stopped in 2 Samuel and began to read about David and Bathsheba. I read how he noticed Bathsheba, called for her, and slept with her even though she was a married woman. To make all matters worse he commanded his men to put her husband closer to the enemy lines so that he would die. When Bathsheba was left as a widow and she gave birth to David's son God showed David that what he did was wrong. God said that the baby would not live. David prayed endlessly for his baby. He fasted and prayed and didn't care about himself. When the baby was seven days old he died and David immediately cleaned himself up, ate and went on with life. Everyone questioned how he could just go from one extreme to the next. He said ... "I pleaded for my sons life but God did not make him better. I can not bring my son back but I can see him again ...."
When I got to this part I could see clearly. I completely understood. We don't know what was going through dad's head when you were sick just like he doesn't know what was going through mine. You were up endlessly during the night and that had to have been difficult on him. You slept all day, while he sat in his chair. He knew, like we all knew that you had little to no strength to get up let alone go down to eat. I remembered how you always said that I was just like my father and Oma. I thought about that and realized that when someone I love is sick I feel out of control. I get angry because I don't want to see them suffer. It also dawned on me that just days before Blaine came into the living room, took one look around and said ... "oh, I guess we are rearranging the living room." I too needed change.
He has placed a picture of you and him right in front of a glass rose on the t.v stand. When it is just the two of us he looks at that picture and says "Look at a that special couple! ..."
I am no longer angry with Dad.
When we got home that night with your belongings in tow I was hit with the realization that I was not angry with God but I was now angry with dad. For the last few months he refused to go down stairs for supper and sometimes lunch as well. You and I both noticed that he stopped shaving and the way he treated you sometimes made me uncomfortable and upset. Now, just like that he is going down for not only breakfast and lunch but for supper as well. Just like that he is hanging up his pictures and rearranging his furniture. After putting the kids to bed I went upstairs to take a hot bath. Even that didn't take my sorrow away. Nothing was working so I reached for your bible and searched your markings for something.
After flipping through I finally stopped in 2 Samuel and began to read about David and Bathsheba. I read how he noticed Bathsheba, called for her, and slept with her even though she was a married woman. To make all matters worse he commanded his men to put her husband closer to the enemy lines so that he would die. When Bathsheba was left as a widow and she gave birth to David's son God showed David that what he did was wrong. God said that the baby would not live. David prayed endlessly for his baby. He fasted and prayed and didn't care about himself. When the baby was seven days old he died and David immediately cleaned himself up, ate and went on with life. Everyone questioned how he could just go from one extreme to the next. He said ... "I pleaded for my sons life but God did not make him better. I can not bring my son back but I can see him again ...."
When I got to this part I could see clearly. I completely understood. We don't know what was going through dad's head when you were sick just like he doesn't know what was going through mine. You were up endlessly during the night and that had to have been difficult on him. You slept all day, while he sat in his chair. He knew, like we all knew that you had little to no strength to get up let alone go down to eat. I remembered how you always said that I was just like my father and Oma. I thought about that and realized that when someone I love is sick I feel out of control. I get angry because I don't want to see them suffer. It also dawned on me that just days before Blaine came into the living room, took one look around and said ... "oh, I guess we are rearranging the living room." I too needed change.
He has placed a picture of you and him right in front of a glass rose on the t.v stand. When it is just the two of us he looks at that picture and says "Look at a that special couple! ..."
I am no longer angry with Dad.
Monday, April 15, 2013
He's here with me now (part one)
Since you passed away I have been struggling immensely with guilt. Feeling guilty about loosing my patience, wishing I had stayed the night, wishing I had hugged you and prayed with you. A few nights ago I was having one of those overwhelming moments. I was camped up in my room where I have been going lately, after I put the kids to bed. It was late and I tried having a hot bath but it seemed to make things worse. For some reason I found myself standing in between Malakai and Ginny's bedroom. Without even thinking about it I whispered Ginny's name, asking her if she was sleeping. Ginny whispered back that she was still awake. I crawled into bed with her and told her that I missed you. She took her arms and snuggled me close, rubbing my back as she assured me that she too missed you. My body shook as I tried so hard to keep my tears in. I didn't want to make her cry. She so lovingly continued to rub my back telling me that you were in heaven with your best friend Ginny and that you weren't sick anymore. I told her how special she was to me and how I am so grateful for her.
As I crawled back into my bed it was like a light bulb went on. God used that moment with Ginny to show me just how special I was to you. All she did was hold me and rub my shoulder and I felt the love that she has for me. Time and time again you told me that God gave me to you as a very special gift. In the last few months with you, you would have difficulties doing daily tasks that you once did without even thinking. You would thank me over and over again for helping you and you would tell me how much you appreciate me. So, while I didn't express my love 24/7 and while I may have at times been impatient with you ... I know that I am forgiven and that you knew I loved you. It is special moments like these when I reminded that I am not alone and that our Jesus is here with me now.
As I crawled back into my bed it was like a light bulb went on. God used that moment with Ginny to show me just how special I was to you. All she did was hold me and rub my shoulder and I felt the love that she has for me. Time and time again you told me that God gave me to you as a very special gift. In the last few months with you, you would have difficulties doing daily tasks that you once did without even thinking. You would thank me over and over again for helping you and you would tell me how much you appreciate me. So, while I didn't express my love 24/7 and while I may have at times been impatient with you ... I know that I am forgiven and that you knew I loved you. It is special moments like these when I reminded that I am not alone and that our Jesus is here with me now.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Monday
Hi Mom,
Today is Easter Monday. The kids are home, Blaine is back to work and it should be a "normal" day off for me. I was reminded today of how you used to call me on Monday mornings and ask me what I had planned for my day off. You would always suggest that I come over and visit with you and dad. Of course Mondays were my errand days so I would often remind you that I had a full day ahead. Today, I would have dropped everything and spent the entire day with you ... I had salmon salad for lunch just now and I was reminded of our day in February where I took you shopping and made us salmon salad for lunch. Rest assured that this time I didn't over cook my salmon. :) Thank you for that day. I know you weren't feeling well but it meant so much to me to have you with me. I remember watching you sleep in the chair as I was painting. You looked so ... you.
This afternoon I noticed your bag of clothes from the hospital that you wore the night before you went home to heaven. It is still in the spot where I dropped it when Mona brought it to me. I couldn't help but pull your shirt out and smell it. I laughed because I remembered pulling it straight off the shelf to put it on you when I took you to the hospital. You had only worn it for maybe an hour so it didn't even smell like you. It smelt like your laundry soap though.
Dad is sick today. I can't help but ache in my heart for you. I read your bible last night, curled up in my chair with a cup of hot tea. It was so comforting and you are right ... It IS the greatest gift that you could give me.
Today I want to go out to the acreage by myself and just sift through your stuff. I am scared to though. Everything I want to do and do, do seems to make me miss you more.
I gotta go mom. Today is really hard for me and I just have so much to say but all that comes to mind is ... I MISS YOU! I NEED to talk to you, to hear your voice. I NEED you to hold me and tell me you love me. How will I ever get over this?
Love you, Always and Forever
Tammy
Today is Easter Monday. The kids are home, Blaine is back to work and it should be a "normal" day off for me. I was reminded today of how you used to call me on Monday mornings and ask me what I had planned for my day off. You would always suggest that I come over and visit with you and dad. Of course Mondays were my errand days so I would often remind you that I had a full day ahead. Today, I would have dropped everything and spent the entire day with you ... I had salmon salad for lunch just now and I was reminded of our day in February where I took you shopping and made us salmon salad for lunch. Rest assured that this time I didn't over cook my salmon. :) Thank you for that day. I know you weren't feeling well but it meant so much to me to have you with me. I remember watching you sleep in the chair as I was painting. You looked so ... you.
This afternoon I noticed your bag of clothes from the hospital that you wore the night before you went home to heaven. It is still in the spot where I dropped it when Mona brought it to me. I couldn't help but pull your shirt out and smell it. I laughed because I remembered pulling it straight off the shelf to put it on you when I took you to the hospital. You had only worn it for maybe an hour so it didn't even smell like you. It smelt like your laundry soap though.
Dad is sick today. I can't help but ache in my heart for you. I read your bible last night, curled up in my chair with a cup of hot tea. It was so comforting and you are right ... It IS the greatest gift that you could give me.
Today I want to go out to the acreage by myself and just sift through your stuff. I am scared to though. Everything I want to do and do, do seems to make me miss you more.
I gotta go mom. Today is really hard for me and I just have so much to say but all that comes to mind is ... I MISS YOU! I NEED to talk to you, to hear your voice. I NEED you to hold me and tell me you love me. How will I ever get over this?
Love you, Always and Forever
Tammy
So much to say with all the time in the world
Mom, April 10, 2013
This has been a hard week. Sunday Mona, Jay, Bernie and I went out to the acreage to go through and clean the kitchen. It looks so "empty." There were some disagreements but I stuck to myself, cleaning the kitchen. I find it harder to be in the apartment at Discovery than I do at the acreage. Probably because we were just starting to visit you more at Discovery. I am still struggling with guilt when I think about those last few months. I have so many regrets that they haunt me daily. Lee had said not to accept them because they are from the enemy. Sometimes they are just so hard to ignore though.
Monday morning was a time of celebration and the first thing I wanted to do was call you. Ginny got her braces off. I just can't believe how beautiful and grown up she is getting. I am sure I will shed many tears of missing you as she reaches her milestones in the months and years to come. Peter and I would like to take Dad to Germany in the fall but we are both unsure if we can afford it. It may be one of those things that you just have to make work. I can only imagine how overjoyed Dad would be to take us to Germany and show us around. I wish that we were planning on you coming. You always wanted to go there with him.
So many people are asking me how I am doing and I have gotten really good at convincing everyone that "I am good." Truth is ... not many understand and not many want to hear me talk about you endlessly. Truth is ... sometimes reality hits all to well and I feel like I am suffocating. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I just want to scream. Even just sitting here in bed with Blaine sleeping by my side I feel overwhelmed with sorrow. People say that "it will get easier." I can't see that far ahead. Right now it seems so far away that it's as if they are just saying it to make themselves feel better. there are a few that have been great help, Terry being one of them. He and Larissa gave me a card and it expressed how I need to take time to grieve and the grieving process could take up to 2 years. God has his work cut out for him if this is going to take 2 years. All I keep going back to is the scripture that you loved enough to give it to Blaine on his baptism ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Trying hard to trust.
The last few days have been filled with great memories of you from the kids. Keegan thinks that we shouldn't talk about you because it makes us sad and Opa sad. I corrected him and told him it was healthy to talk about you. Ginny remembers you giving her, her "Nana Bear." I laughed because I remember you and me going through the stores in Jasper when she was only a year old when we found that bear. Can you imagine that you paid $80.00 for that thing. :) Well mom, rest assured, it was the most cherished $80.00 ever. There were other things that the kids remembered to but I am drawing a blank right now. I wanted to write them down sooner but just never got around to it.
Amongst your kitchen, we found 2 very special books that the kids and I have decided to read. They are special books and Ginny and Malakai are really enjoying the fact that they have come from your house. In one of them it talked of Jesus Resurrection and Easter Sunday. I found it interesting how you went to heaven so close to Easter. Was their a celebration in heaven on Easter Sunday? I imagine you, Grandma Ginny, Grandma Meatha and Oma all linked arms, walking through the gardens of heaven. The birds fluttering everywhere with you talking about each one of them.
Tonight I was reading your bible and I can't remember what I was reading but I was thinking about how I asked you if you still loved Jesus. I hope I didn't offend you, but even reading your bible I saw how on fire you were for God in the things you wrote, the verses you underlined. In the last few month you didn't really have that fire anymore. Yet it dawned on me that we all have seasons of dryness. Perhaps it wasn't that you weren't excited about Jesus but just going through a dry patch. Even now as I think this over again I picture you in our 7th row seat, sitting beside Dad on Christmas Eve. You were so sick. As I stood in front of the congregation reciting my monologue I glanced over at you and there you were with your eyes closed, praying to God. What was going through your head? Did you know that your days were numbered? Had God been preparing your heart? Maybe your last few months were spent pondering more than anything. I am reminded right now of how when you fell and cracked your ribs you were so tired of being sick, so tired of Dad being grumpy with you, so tired of feeling weak that you laid in your bed on your side and told me you didn't want to live any more. Reassuring to know that God was listening to you and answered your prayers only a couple of weeks later, Sad that you had to leave. You left me so quickly that I wish I had stayed that night. I wish I had known. I wish I had curled up in bed beside you and just spent that last night with you. Instead ... I didn't even kiss you or hug you goodnight. I told you I loved you and that I would see you in the morning. I wish that I could say I love you now and see you in the morning.
I LOVE YOU MOM! I hope with all my heart that you hear Malakai's prayers every night as he asks God to tell you that we love you sooooo much!
Always and Forever
Tammy
This has been a hard week. Sunday Mona, Jay, Bernie and I went out to the acreage to go through and clean the kitchen. It looks so "empty." There were some disagreements but I stuck to myself, cleaning the kitchen. I find it harder to be in the apartment at Discovery than I do at the acreage. Probably because we were just starting to visit you more at Discovery. I am still struggling with guilt when I think about those last few months. I have so many regrets that they haunt me daily. Lee had said not to accept them because they are from the enemy. Sometimes they are just so hard to ignore though.
Monday morning was a time of celebration and the first thing I wanted to do was call you. Ginny got her braces off. I just can't believe how beautiful and grown up she is getting. I am sure I will shed many tears of missing you as she reaches her milestones in the months and years to come. Peter and I would like to take Dad to Germany in the fall but we are both unsure if we can afford it. It may be one of those things that you just have to make work. I can only imagine how overjoyed Dad would be to take us to Germany and show us around. I wish that we were planning on you coming. You always wanted to go there with him.
So many people are asking me how I am doing and I have gotten really good at convincing everyone that "I am good." Truth is ... not many understand and not many want to hear me talk about you endlessly. Truth is ... sometimes reality hits all to well and I feel like I am suffocating. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I just want to scream. Even just sitting here in bed with Blaine sleeping by my side I feel overwhelmed with sorrow. People say that "it will get easier." I can't see that far ahead. Right now it seems so far away that it's as if they are just saying it to make themselves feel better. there are a few that have been great help, Terry being one of them. He and Larissa gave me a card and it expressed how I need to take time to grieve and the grieving process could take up to 2 years. God has his work cut out for him if this is going to take 2 years. All I keep going back to is the scripture that you loved enough to give it to Blaine on his baptism ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Trying hard to trust.
The last few days have been filled with great memories of you from the kids. Keegan thinks that we shouldn't talk about you because it makes us sad and Opa sad. I corrected him and told him it was healthy to talk about you. Ginny remembers you giving her, her "Nana Bear." I laughed because I remember you and me going through the stores in Jasper when she was only a year old when we found that bear. Can you imagine that you paid $80.00 for that thing. :) Well mom, rest assured, it was the most cherished $80.00 ever. There were other things that the kids remembered to but I am drawing a blank right now. I wanted to write them down sooner but just never got around to it.
Amongst your kitchen, we found 2 very special books that the kids and I have decided to read. They are special books and Ginny and Malakai are really enjoying the fact that they have come from your house. In one of them it talked of Jesus Resurrection and Easter Sunday. I found it interesting how you went to heaven so close to Easter. Was their a celebration in heaven on Easter Sunday? I imagine you, Grandma Ginny, Grandma Meatha and Oma all linked arms, walking through the gardens of heaven. The birds fluttering everywhere with you talking about each one of them.
Tonight I was reading your bible and I can't remember what I was reading but I was thinking about how I asked you if you still loved Jesus. I hope I didn't offend you, but even reading your bible I saw how on fire you were for God in the things you wrote, the verses you underlined. In the last few month you didn't really have that fire anymore. Yet it dawned on me that we all have seasons of dryness. Perhaps it wasn't that you weren't excited about Jesus but just going through a dry patch. Even now as I think this over again I picture you in our 7th row seat, sitting beside Dad on Christmas Eve. You were so sick. As I stood in front of the congregation reciting my monologue I glanced over at you and there you were with your eyes closed, praying to God. What was going through your head? Did you know that your days were numbered? Had God been preparing your heart? Maybe your last few months were spent pondering more than anything. I am reminded right now of how when you fell and cracked your ribs you were so tired of being sick, so tired of Dad being grumpy with you, so tired of feeling weak that you laid in your bed on your side and told me you didn't want to live any more. Reassuring to know that God was listening to you and answered your prayers only a couple of weeks later, Sad that you had to leave. You left me so quickly that I wish I had stayed that night. I wish I had known. I wish I had curled up in bed beside you and just spent that last night with you. Instead ... I didn't even kiss you or hug you goodnight. I told you I loved you and that I would see you in the morning. I wish that I could say I love you now and see you in the morning.
I LOVE YOU MOM! I hope with all my heart that you hear Malakai's prayers every night as he asks God to tell you that we love you sooooo much!
Always and Forever
Tammy
Good moments and bad moments
Hi my Mommy;
Today Lee invited me to the market with Kaela and her. I was looking forward to it but then last night I woke up with some sort of stomach bug. You know me and how I get when I feel like I am going to puke. Needless to say, I survived the night but was still feeling off today. I knew how much it meant to Lee though so I pushed myself, and I am glad that I did.
We had a really good visit over lunch and of course, it was all about you. :) Seems like everything these days resolves around my memories of you, something that you would like or something that you would have said. Anyways I especially wonder now if we will remember those that we have left behind when we go to heaven. All three of us were buzzing with our own thoughts and feelings but I will let you know what gives me peace and how I think it might be.
I think that you can look down on us from heaven and I think that you are still a prayer warrior for all of us. Of course the idea of you seeing us grieve your loss would naturally only cause you heartache but since time is so different on earth than it is in heaven I think that you would be so excited to be only "days" from seeing us. :) I want to think that you would not necessarily know all the trials that we would have to go through but instead know the end game plan and when we will once again be reunited. I don't know! It may sound so bizzare to someone else but it gives me peace. It helps me to get by knowing that to you it may be a day, or week till we meet again. At least for one of us it will seem less time.
So many people ask how I am doing. How do you answer that? Do they really want to hear every time they ask that I am lonely, grief stricken, that I wish you were still here with us? Probably not ... So instead, I say "good." I hear from people that grief takes time, some days are good, some days are bad. How about some MOMENTS are good and some are bad? Sometimes I wake up and almost feel guilty that I am not sad but then evening comes and I am a weeping mess. I have no way of controlling when it will hit me, or what triggers it. For that reason alone, it is nice to stick close to home. Blaine went to hang pictures at the apartment for dad today and I can't believe how hard it is for me to sit in your chair and visit with him. It seems so foreign yet at the same time it is good.
The kids have been acting up, the house is a disaster, yet I can still hear you saying ... "your house is never a disaster." I tidied a bit but I figured a financially organized home is better than a clean one. Since I have been struggling to get your finances worked out, I have let ours slip through the cracks.
Lee had such a wonderful idea of asking the kids to tell me their memories of you and right them down in a book so that they will never forget you. I asked Malakai tonight what he remembers of you. Of course I got "I don't know!" I was quiet for awhile though and soon he said "that Nana taught me how to crochet." Thank you so much for that. He loves that new little hobby that you taught him and you would be so proud to finally have someone to sit and crochet with. Then he said ... "I remember reading with Nana. I got to read the red parts in that book and Ginny and Nana read the other colors. I really liked that book." I remember buying that book for you to read to the kids. Thank you for making it special for them.
Well mom, I should get my budgeting on the go here. It was good chatting to you again. Wish you would just stop being so quiet and answer me for a change.
Love you Always!
Tammy
Today Lee invited me to the market with Kaela and her. I was looking forward to it but then last night I woke up with some sort of stomach bug. You know me and how I get when I feel like I am going to puke. Needless to say, I survived the night but was still feeling off today. I knew how much it meant to Lee though so I pushed myself, and I am glad that I did.
We had a really good visit over lunch and of course, it was all about you. :) Seems like everything these days resolves around my memories of you, something that you would like or something that you would have said. Anyways I especially wonder now if we will remember those that we have left behind when we go to heaven. All three of us were buzzing with our own thoughts and feelings but I will let you know what gives me peace and how I think it might be.
I think that you can look down on us from heaven and I think that you are still a prayer warrior for all of us. Of course the idea of you seeing us grieve your loss would naturally only cause you heartache but since time is so different on earth than it is in heaven I think that you would be so excited to be only "days" from seeing us. :) I want to think that you would not necessarily know all the trials that we would have to go through but instead know the end game plan and when we will once again be reunited. I don't know! It may sound so bizzare to someone else but it gives me peace. It helps me to get by knowing that to you it may be a day, or week till we meet again. At least for one of us it will seem less time.
So many people ask how I am doing. How do you answer that? Do they really want to hear every time they ask that I am lonely, grief stricken, that I wish you were still here with us? Probably not ... So instead, I say "good." I hear from people that grief takes time, some days are good, some days are bad. How about some MOMENTS are good and some are bad? Sometimes I wake up and almost feel guilty that I am not sad but then evening comes and I am a weeping mess. I have no way of controlling when it will hit me, or what triggers it. For that reason alone, it is nice to stick close to home. Blaine went to hang pictures at the apartment for dad today and I can't believe how hard it is for me to sit in your chair and visit with him. It seems so foreign yet at the same time it is good.
The kids have been acting up, the house is a disaster, yet I can still hear you saying ... "your house is never a disaster." I tidied a bit but I figured a financially organized home is better than a clean one. Since I have been struggling to get your finances worked out, I have let ours slip through the cracks.
Lee had such a wonderful idea of asking the kids to tell me their memories of you and right them down in a book so that they will never forget you. I asked Malakai tonight what he remembers of you. Of course I got "I don't know!" I was quiet for awhile though and soon he said "that Nana taught me how to crochet." Thank you so much for that. He loves that new little hobby that you taught him and you would be so proud to finally have someone to sit and crochet with. Then he said ... "I remember reading with Nana. I got to read the red parts in that book and Ginny and Nana read the other colors. I really liked that book." I remember buying that book for you to read to the kids. Thank you for making it special for them.
Well mom, I should get my budgeting on the go here. It was good chatting to you again. Wish you would just stop being so quiet and answer me for a change.
Love you Always!
Tammy
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Easter Weekend
Hey mom,
Today was good Friday. It has been two days since your funeral and last night was the first night that I didn't cry before falling asleep. I honestly thought I was going to have a good day with no tears. Thoughts are one thing and far from reality sometimes. Today's message was put into the perspective of losing a loved one. How appropriate! Of course, the tears spilled down my cheeks and if anyone could relate to that sermon more it was us.
After the service we stopped by dad's to visit with him for awhile. I often glance into your room to see your bed made with your two bibles neatly placed on top. I put them there to give dad comfort. Today when I glanced in I noticed your bibles were not placed one on top of the other. I also noticed your favourite jeans and a green blouse of yours laid out for you. I am not sure how they got there but I imagine dad placed them there. I think he had a rough night without you last night. I invited him to Jim and Rose's on Easter Sunday. I hope and pray that he comes.
This afternoon we went to Roland and Linda's for a fish fry in honour of Good Friday. It was fun but Malakai had too much sugar and lost his temper in front of everyone. The screaming display embarrassed me and made me want to walk right out the front door and go home. He had said he didn't like me and that I was mean. There would have been a time where Malakai saying that would have made me snap back at him. Today, that comment stung. Michelle made a comment about how "it must hurt like heck to have your mom die when you yourself are so young." Die! Wow! What a cold, scary word.
I think about the future and raising my kids in this crazy world. Today I feel a sting of panic. How will I ever cope without your encouragement, your words of wisdom, and your prayers? Please pray for Malakai! Pray that God will help me into raising him into a wonderful, happy, young man.
Why didn't I pray on the phone with you? I know that you wanted me to, but pride got the best of me. Please forgive me! If I could take time back, even for a week, I would have prayed for you ... With you! I still don't know how to make the regrets go away. I don't know how to forgive myself. I am my worst enemy.
Maybe if I just imagine you in the hospital tonight, I can get through the night thinking that I still have tomorrow.
Love you Mom!
Forever and Always,
Tammy
Today was good Friday. It has been two days since your funeral and last night was the first night that I didn't cry before falling asleep. I honestly thought I was going to have a good day with no tears. Thoughts are one thing and far from reality sometimes. Today's message was put into the perspective of losing a loved one. How appropriate! Of course, the tears spilled down my cheeks and if anyone could relate to that sermon more it was us.
After the service we stopped by dad's to visit with him for awhile. I often glance into your room to see your bed made with your two bibles neatly placed on top. I put them there to give dad comfort. Today when I glanced in I noticed your bibles were not placed one on top of the other. I also noticed your favourite jeans and a green blouse of yours laid out for you. I am not sure how they got there but I imagine dad placed them there. I think he had a rough night without you last night. I invited him to Jim and Rose's on Easter Sunday. I hope and pray that he comes.
This afternoon we went to Roland and Linda's for a fish fry in honour of Good Friday. It was fun but Malakai had too much sugar and lost his temper in front of everyone. The screaming display embarrassed me and made me want to walk right out the front door and go home. He had said he didn't like me and that I was mean. There would have been a time where Malakai saying that would have made me snap back at him. Today, that comment stung. Michelle made a comment about how "it must hurt like heck to have your mom die when you yourself are so young." Die! Wow! What a cold, scary word.
I think about the future and raising my kids in this crazy world. Today I feel a sting of panic. How will I ever cope without your encouragement, your words of wisdom, and your prayers? Please pray for Malakai! Pray that God will help me into raising him into a wonderful, happy, young man.
Why didn't I pray on the phone with you? I know that you wanted me to, but pride got the best of me. Please forgive me! If I could take time back, even for a week, I would have prayed for you ... With you! I still don't know how to make the regrets go away. I don't know how to forgive myself. I am my worst enemy.
Maybe if I just imagine you in the hospital tonight, I can get through the night thinking that I still have tomorrow.
Love you Mom!
Forever and Always,
Tammy
There's a hole in my heart
Dear Mom,
How do you start a letter to someone knowing that you will never get a reply? I have so many things to say to you but I don't know where to start. It has been seven days since you left us and each day only gets harder. Blaine keeps telling me to talk to you but I struggle with that. If only I could really "talk" to you. I thought that things were supposed to get easier but today I feel like I am numb and sitting in a haze. I don't know if this will be a good healing process for me or if it will only make things worse. I need to try though because today I don't feel as if things could'nt get any better.
Right now I feel as though something heavy is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to clean my house, I don't even want to respond to a fire call. I wish I could go to your house... curl up in your lap and just cry. I want to sit back, lean up against your legs and feel your hands run through my hair again. Last night I thought I was going to lose it entirely. I can't imagine that you are not here with us any more. I can't fathom going through anything without you. This morning the phone rang and I heard Malakai answer it. "Hi Opa" he says, so excited. It made me think of how excited Ginny would get when you called her. "Hi Nana" she would say. She is taking your leaving us quite difficult. She has cried lots but she keeps saying how glad she was that you made it to her play at school. What a gift that was to her.
Oh mom, I miss you! My heart hurts so much for you. I want so bad to call you right now. I sit here with the phone beside me and I am so lost. How many times did we talk each and every day? Sometimes half a dozen. I would call to tell you silly things the kids said, or just call to say I love you!
I have so many regrets but I am trying not to dig those up right now. Blaine keeps telling me to think about the good times that we shared. The first thing that popped into my mind was our picnics at the river. You loved going to the river and just sitting in the sun, watching the kids play.
I am glad that spring is just around the corner. Had this been the beginning of winter it might have been harder to process and less things to take our minds off of our emptiness. My computer room is so full of flowers that you would have been so excited had you been here to enjoy them. Soon though, we will be able to sit along the river again and perhaps go for some walks with dad to look at the birds and such. Thinking about the days ahead only remind me of Easter weekend only days away, followed by Mothers Day, and then Keegan and my birthdays. How will we ever cope?
Take care mom, soak up every minute with our Jesus and please ask him to give me comfort right now. I need a whole lot.
I will write again soon, perhaps next time I will tell you all about your funeral.
Love you forever,
Tammy
A good women you were! 2013-03-21
Proverbs 31:10
A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden. First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rollsup her sleeves, eager to get started. She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. She’s quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. She doesn’t worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: “Many women have done wonderful things but you’v outclassed them all!” Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves!
Mom was born into a Salvation Army family and was raised by serving hearts. The bells that her mother rang, the pasties she made and and the hearts that she touched were planted as a small seed in moms own heart at such a young age. She lived with very little to boast about but cherished everything she had and knew that it was a gift from God. Her greatest gift being Dad, and her kids. She worked many jobs just to provide for her family, all the while helping others when they were in need. She loved working at Salem Manor and built true, genuine relationships with each elderly person and staff that she dealt with on a day to day basis. It wasn't a job to her, it was a privilege. She faced her fears and accomplished even more when she was hired on at extend a care in Jasper, or was casted in a Christmas drama at the church. Mom was a very humble women. It didn't matter where she lived, whether it was in a one bedroom little house or an apartment in Jasper, she showed us it wasn't the house she lived in that made it the home it was the family that existed there. As kids we saw her struggle. Struggle with her health, struggle with us kids and with life in general. She learned though that God was not the one to blame for her struggles. She questioned him but In doing so, her relationship with him grew only stronger. Mom was confident and strong enough in her beliefs that she didn't care if you shared them but loved you and respected you regardless of your beliefs. Mom knew it wasn't the actions that she did that would get her to heaven but her genuine faith and love for God.
She could look past faults and Issues that people may have and see that person for who they really were. She could find a diamond in the ruff with anyone and in that she gained 5 treasured kids and their spouses, 17 grand and great grandchildren and all of you as friends and she prayed for each and every one of us. She woke up many nights with someone on her heart and would pray for them till sleep would get the best of her.
We are sad to see mom go but we are celebrating her new life in heaven. We wish though that we could learn more of what she taught. She taught a lot and we didn't learn enough. If we could go back and learn those lessons we would be better people today. She had so much insight, full of humility and full of Grace. She was the mother, wife, grandma, sister, and friend that we should all be.
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