Spring into Winter

Hey Mom,

Well, they say spring is here but aside from it being April 19th, nothing says spring.  It was snowing today, windy and the weather seemed to affect everyone's moods.  I had a horrible evening last night filled with fighting kids, smoke detectors going off, pagers going off which meant Blaine running out the door on call and missing wheels for Malakai's car for his car race.  We managed to somehow get out the door but it only led to more sadness when poor Malakai's car came in last for every race.  I was reminded of how sad I used to get when Jill Mielke would get all the awards and I would get nothing.  He did however win a trophy for design though so it cheered us all up.

Ginny and I went to see dad today.  He told Ginny to look at the picture of the couple on his T.V stand.  "What a nice couple, huh Ginny!" He says as he points to the picture of you and him.  I can't help but look at your chair, now sitting across from us.  He has placed your blanket so nicely on it.  Ginny picks up the paper sitting on the couch.  "Who is that?" He asks.  Ginny gets all excited and says "Mom!  Opa is in the paper!"  I can't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.  Sure enough, there he is with a smile on his face, his hands in the air enjoying Laughing Yoga!"  Sorry mom, you are all ready in heaven so there is no dying again.  You heard me though.  They somehow got him to go to laughing yoga, not once, but twice.  It should make me happy but it doesn't.  It makes me sad.  It makes my heart clench and my chest tight.  It is so good for him to get down there and do things but it is just not how I expected to happen.  I wanted you to be able to enjoy it there as well.

Tomorrow is one month since you left us.  I don't hear your voice as clearly any more although I have started dreaming about you.  Good dreams, but they are in the middle of the night and I can't remember them.  I want so bad to remember them.  Finally in this last dream I had, you were so happy.  I remember laughing with you and you telling me something.  I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake in not taking more time off of work.  I feel as though anything will set me off in a fluster lately.  I hate taking it out on the kids but their bickering and fighting is what usually sets me off.  Sometimes I see someone and they are only trying to be friendly by conversing with me but all I see is moving lips and then I actually think in my head ..."Seriously?  Do you really think that is important?"  I know!!  That's not so good.  You have no idea of how much I have considered stress leave.  Even just the thought puts me in tears.  I can't!  I don't want to wreck anyones plans for holidays right now both family and at work.  I don't want to let work down.  I just need a break, but everyone at work needs a break.  Everyone has their own little crisis going on.  Why should mine be any more worse?  It's so bad that I have even thought about wishing for a sick day.  You and I both know ... That is not me!

I could sit here and talk to you forever, listening to the sounds of the kids helping Blaine build the new BBQ.  Too bad I can't.

Love you,
Always and Forever.