Time

As I look back through these letters I can not believe what was in store for us.  Had God told me that all this would happen I would have fought tooth and nail and said absolutely not!!  It was a saying that I heard today that reminds me though that we are not alone in this and that no matter how messy life gets and how much are heart huts, God is with us.

Trust me with the story that I am weaving through your life.  It's called History for a reason.  

Had I known the answers would I still have regrets?  Would I have drove myself insane trying to make those last days just the way you would have wanted?  I tried to make the right choices.  I wanted so bad to get an appointment with the specialist to find out exactly how bad your liver was.  I wanted an answer.  I wanted a time limit.  None of which anyone could give me.  With Joy of finally having an appointment I didn't fathom that this appointment would be the beginning of the end.  

As we took you home that night and you were later admitted into the hospital I fought all sorts of emotions.  What did this mean?  Was this it?  Were we going to have to experience the same symptoms that we did with mom?  Could I handle this?  Was I strong enough?  

That week, sitting by your bedside, spending all the time I could with you, I added so much more to my memory bank.  I remember you opening your eyes to see Ginny.  Your smile was so big it was as if the child inside you remerged. "Hello My Ginny!!" you said.  On one of my stops in to check on you I noticed the nurses had the t.v on with some stupid show that would have irritated you.  I quickly grabbed the remote and changed the station to 100 Huntly street.  Once again you turned your head, opened your eyes and said "I like that show.  They play nice music."  It was hard to see the man that was so strong, so clean, so proper, become so dependant.  

I will forever cherish the last time that I shaved you.  I am glad that Peter encouraged my idea and told me that if I wanted to I should.  There are no words for how grateful I am that I was able to sit by your bed and hold your hand the entire night before you simply could fight no more.  Time was too short.  Time was so precious.  I am forever thankful for the time that I was given.  

My heart aches to now have you both gone but to know that you and mom are together again makes the ache less painful.  We all have ideas of what may be going on in heaven.  Ginny thinks that while mom is sitting on a bench in a beautiful garden, watching the birds and drinking tea, you are building a house for us to live in when we join you.  Malakai thinks that you are sailing on a ship.  I think after all the work that you have done here on earth you are getting the much deserved rest that you need and that you are sitting arm in arm, watching the birds with mom.     

I have this overwhelming urge to get in my truck and search for you right now.  I don't think that I am entirely loosing my mind.  I know that I won't actually find you but I might find a spot where I feel super close to you.  Blaine shared with me the other day how he missed me ... When did I leave?  Did you take a part of me with you when you left?  Maybe I am not only wanting to search for you but for me as well.  It feels as though I am losing everyone around me right now.  Am I pushing them away or is this just life and the cards that we are dealt right now? This is silly.  It has been nearly a year and for 2 weeks I felt like we had reached a new normal.  Our new normal didn't last long though.  Now we are drowning in life again as Dad has been admitted into the hospital.  How long does this cloak of grievance have to cover me?  I feel like locking myself away from everyone so that I don't pour my bitterness and anger on them.  Its not fair to the kids and it's especially not fair to Blaine.

Precious Visits

For months my mind would take me down horrible paths where mom was at her worst.  The times she fell in the bathroom and I was the only one dad would call.  The time where Blaine and I showed up before the Emergency Gala and she was so out of it that she couldn't even stay awake to carry on a conversation with us.  Or the last time she was in the hospital, only moments before she passed away.  For some reason every time my mind would go there I would let it and re live it over and over and over again.

It took time and coaxing from Blaine before I finally locked those pictures in a closet somewhere in the depths of my brain and opened new doors filled with happier memories.  It was when I did that, that I started dreaming of her.  Oh how I love her visits in my dreams.  They are usually very short visits and not always good.  I recently had a dream where she was scolding me.  I didn't wake up very pleasant that morning.  Blaine can agree with that.  Last night was the best visit of all though.  Please don't think I am a quack and that I "see" dead people.  :)  It was only when writing this that I refer to them as visits.  I will explain why, or rather you will soon understand but first let me catch you up on how last night came about.  

On Thursday morning at 6:00am Blaine pulled out of our driveway on his motorbike.  All that he took was enough gear to get him through a 4 day adventure, across the border, down twisty roads, and through the mountains with 17 guys and their treasured possessions.  So, for the last 3 days I have cleaned, purged, and organized.  I thought of him often and had a hard time falling asleep without him by my side.  Last night I especially struggled since I had my airbrakes course early this morning.  It was nearly 11:00pm when I finally began to fall asleep.  

As I laid in bed, my eyes closed, my breathing steady, sleep nearer and nearer, I was transported to the living room at the acreage.  As I looked towards moms chair I heard her laughter and there she was, sitting in her fav. chair, still in her p.j's and a smile on her face.  She laughed and said how glad she was that I was able to stop in for a visit.  I can't quite remember what we said but the conversation was long and filled with laughter.  She asked me how I was doing and talked about her birds and how she enjoys watching them.  The craziest part was that the whole time I was aware that I was not fully asleep.  Tears began to stream down my cheeks.  My breath was caught in my throat.  I willed her to stay.  She stayed, and continued to talk and laugh with me.  Soon though, she was gone as quickly as she came.  

As I laid in my bed, my pillow wet with tears I remembered the last course that I was in.  I resigned halfway through the course because mom had passed away only 2 days before.  Perhaps that is why my mind lead me to this precious visit.  God knew that without Blaine by my side, I needed my mom more than ever.   

It doesn't end there though.  My alarm was set for 5:15am but before it went off my dad and I were driving down the Buford road with a beautiful winter wonderland surrounding us.  As I looked out to the side, past my dad driving There was my mom, trudging down a snowing path with three of her greatest friends.  She smiled again and said "I know, I know, don't always rush me."  She then looked at me with a sarcastic expression like she usually did when Dad rushed her.  :)  I immediately woke up and realized it was 5:08.  I would wake up any morning before my alarm with a visit as precious as that one. 

You would be so proud of him

Hey mom,

The rain finally stopped and it is safe to say that summer is here!  Keegan insisted on putting up some of Dad's bird houses and I have never heard such amazing birds sounds in our back yard.  Even as we walk up the front steps you can hear the birds in their little sanctuary out back.  Keegan told Ginny today that she had to put her bird house that she made at VBS in the front because it is intended for Swallow's and he doesn't want Swallow's killing his birds.  She argued with him but he said insisted that is what Nana told him so that is the way it will go in our yard.

Soccer is over now and we have begun to camp on the weekends.  I ended up selling the van last week.  It was hard and I contemplated over and over again of keeping it for ourselves but I think it would have just been for the thought of keeping something that you were so exited about rather than keeping it for our benefit.  A beautiful Mormon family bought it from us.  They were excited to know that we were also praying that the vehicle would sell.

Now ... I worry about the house.  Mona wants so bad to buy it but Dad is so worried about not being able to afford where he is.  I reassure him that he will be able to make it but you know Dad.  He wants to know he is secure and not a burden to anyone.

You would be so proud of him.  It has been a tough road, not only to see him walk down but to walk down that road along side him.  There are days where he sleeps well past 11:00 am and doesn't want to eat.  There are even days when he says he is going to see you.  On days like those I pray the same prayer that I prayed for you.  I pray that God will take him quickly and peacefully and that he will not have to suffer.  Good days like today hurt just as bad though, if not more.  When I stopped in for my usual lunch time visit I couldn't find him.  His door was unlocked and he was no where around.  I was just about to get into the elevator when there he was getting off.  "Oh, hey" he says.  "I was just doing my laundry."  He is doing is own laundry!  He talks of having coffee downstairs with other men and he is now going down for 3 meals a day.  Mom, he has even let me limit his barley soup intake without even putting up a fight.  :)  I bought him a tomato plant for his little house and he is now getting cherry tomatoes off of it.  The two of us remind each other to water it often.  He dusts around his pictures and his models.  He even looks forward to the cleaners coming on Wednesdays to clean his house.   I love that man! It just makes me so happy to see that he has accepted your loss and fights to move on.  He often talks of having nothing here but us kids and his grandkids.  He says how much he misses his "Honey."  When I think at how far we have come in just 6 months I can't help but smile.  God was sure looking after the two of you.  And now you and God are looking after the rest of us.

Love you mom,

Always and Forever

Hugs and kisses for the ones we love

Mom,

I am so excited that Blaine and I were able to escape to Cuba, just the two of us.  It was a nice break.  After being back for only a few days Blaine stated the obvious in saying that we only ran from the stress instead of making it go away.  To me, we took a much needed break from our stress and gained more strength to deal with it when we got back home.

I thought of heaven a lot when I was sitting on the beach.  Does heaven have a Crystal clear ocean with white sandy beaches?  I even wondered if we eat in heaven.  Blaine doesn't think so but in the garden of eden Eve tempted Adam with a fruit.  Even if there were just Mango's, pineapples and coconut in heaven I would be happy.

I still can't believe that you are gone.  There are times when I am ... when the thought of you does not bring me to tears anymore and I almost feel guilty.  Then there are times like Sunday where I am in church and I can see you in the pew beside Dad, worshiping God.  I feel like a nut job, sitting in the pew with tears pouring down my cheeks.  If it weren't for Dad, we wouldn't sit in that row anymore.  I would sit us somewhere near the back where the tears could flow and no one would notice.  This Sunday the sermon was about worship.  You always loved worship.  I couldn't get past Blaine quick enough when I saw Lee coming up to give me a hug.  I melted in her arms and bawled uncontrollably.  I couldn't fight it any more.  I didn't even cry like that at your funeral.  I have been so "strong" and held together, not for me but for Dad and the kids.

Today and appraiser came out to tell us the value of the property.  As I walked downstairs I remembered the master bedroom when it used to be Peter's and then my bedroom.  I remembered having the stomach flu in the other bedroom and using the furnace room for my puke bucket.  As I took him outside I showed him where I spray painted my name on the concrete wall and denied being the one who painted it on there.  When we went into the garage I could visualize all the skinned rabbits that dad had butchered and hung to dry in the garage.  I thought of the endless games of hide and seek and kick the can.  Peter and Mona were out there as well today.  Dad decided to come because Peter was there.

Dad is having a rough time mom.  I can't help but feel like he is giving up.  You always worried about him being left and suffering a broken heart.  I am trying so hard to keep him busy, to get him out ... I can't heal his heart though.  I had a good talk with him about him not being allowed to give up.  He agrees that he can't but he is reading his bible every morning and I think he feels cheated ... I think he feared that you wouldn't make it and that he would be left alone.  I think that is why he always looked out the window and wished for the rapture.  I don't want to loose him too ... I don't want to be selfish and see him hurt though either.  At first there was a small amount of breathing room when you passed away, like a battle had been fought and it was time to rest now.  It wasn't long till that feeling returned though and I now feel like we are back fighting again, this time for Dad though.

I just tucked sweet Ginny into bed and she hugged her precious Nana Bear and said "mommy, every night that I go to sleep I hug my bear so tight and kiss it, just like I would Nana."  then she said "wouldn't it be so cool if we could kiss something and think of someone and that person, no matter where they were would feel it?"  We prayed that God would give you a big hug and a kiss from the two of us tonight.

Love you mom,
Always and forever  

So much to share with you

Mom, 

I came home from the Secret Sister Wrap up Tea and was excited!! I have'nt been excited in a long time.  As I look out the back door, I see our canopy over our deck, the trampoline is up and birds are singing their night time song.  It has been a LONG winter and it is nice to see spring like signs. 

Keegan is back to catching his bugs.  Every day he gets more and more excited about the bugs that he sees.  Today he announced that he caught a bumble bee.  That has got to be a sign of spring.  

Malakai wishes that I showed him love more.  I know!! It totally makes me sound like a horrible mother but it all has to do with food.  He is sad because all of his friends get bedtime snack and I don't give him one.  Let me tell you ... I offered him a banana but he didn't want one. 

Ginny misses your warm hugs.  You were so good at holding her and letting her snuggle into your arms.  I see why she misses that.  She is preparing for her PAT exam.  She says that she is a little nervous but she has confidence in herself.  She is growing into such a beautiful young lady. 

All three are in soccer this year so Blaine and I will be running like crazy, 5 days a week.  

Me, I have had some good days and some really bad days.  Blaine suggested that we take our income tax money and book a holiday.  We are going to Cuba in 20 days.  I feel excited about this since it is  something to look forward too.  Something that does not involve bills, your estate or financial things for Dad.  The other day I received a copy of a very nice letter from my Captain on my behalf that was sent to the Chief.  She was requesting that I get my recruit stickers removed from my fire helmet.  This is a big deal and a recognition of growth within the fire department.  I wanted to call you and read the letter to you.  Resting in the fact that you know though.  

Blaine is ... The golden child. :)  Your golden child.  He has been so supportive in all of this.  He is so patient with me and the kids.  I can't wait to just focus on him and me for one week.  

Looks like good things are filling my dark days with sunshine.  Still miss you like crazy but learning to adapt.  

Love you always, 

  

Spring into Winter

Hey Mom,

Well, they say spring is here but aside from it being April 19th, nothing says spring.  It was snowing today, windy and the weather seemed to affect everyone's moods.  I had a horrible evening last night filled with fighting kids, smoke detectors going off, pagers going off which meant Blaine running out the door on call and missing wheels for Malakai's car for his car race.  We managed to somehow get out the door but it only led to more sadness when poor Malakai's car came in last for every race.  I was reminded of how sad I used to get when Jill Mielke would get all the awards and I would get nothing.  He did however win a trophy for design though so it cheered us all up.

Ginny and I went to see dad today.  He told Ginny to look at the picture of the couple on his T.V stand.  "What a nice couple, huh Ginny!" He says as he points to the picture of you and him.  I can't help but look at your chair, now sitting across from us.  He has placed your blanket so nicely on it.  Ginny picks up the paper sitting on the couch.  "Who is that?" He asks.  Ginny gets all excited and says "Mom!  Opa is in the paper!"  I can't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.  Sure enough, there he is with a smile on his face, his hands in the air enjoying Laughing Yoga!"  Sorry mom, you are all ready in heaven so there is no dying again.  You heard me though.  They somehow got him to go to laughing yoga, not once, but twice.  It should make me happy but it doesn't.  It makes me sad.  It makes my heart clench and my chest tight.  It is so good for him to get down there and do things but it is just not how I expected to happen.  I wanted you to be able to enjoy it there as well.

Tomorrow is one month since you left us.  I don't hear your voice as clearly any more although I have started dreaming about you.  Good dreams, but they are in the middle of the night and I can't remember them.  I want so bad to remember them.  Finally in this last dream I had, you were so happy.  I remember laughing with you and you telling me something.  I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake in not taking more time off of work.  I feel as though anything will set me off in a fluster lately.  I hate taking it out on the kids but their bickering and fighting is what usually sets me off.  Sometimes I see someone and they are only trying to be friendly by conversing with me but all I see is moving lips and then I actually think in my head ..."Seriously?  Do you really think that is important?"  I know!!  That's not so good.  You have no idea of how much I have considered stress leave.  Even just the thought puts me in tears.  I can't!  I don't want to wreck anyones plans for holidays right now both family and at work.  I don't want to let work down.  I just need a break, but everyone at work needs a break.  Everyone has their own little crisis going on.  Why should mine be any more worse?  It's so bad that I have even thought about wishing for a sick day.  You and I both know ... That is not me!

I could sit here and talk to you forever, listening to the sounds of the kids helping Blaine build the new BBQ.  Too bad I can't.

Love you,
Always and Forever.