Mom,
I am so excited that Blaine and I were able to escape to Cuba, just the two of us. It was a nice break. After being back for only a few days Blaine stated the obvious in saying that we only ran from the stress instead of making it go away. To me, we took a much needed break from our stress and gained more strength to deal with it when we got back home.
I thought of heaven a lot when I was sitting on the beach. Does heaven have a Crystal clear ocean with white sandy beaches? I even wondered if we eat in heaven. Blaine doesn't think so but in the garden of eden Eve tempted Adam with a fruit. Even if there were just Mango's, pineapples and coconut in heaven I would be happy.
I still can't believe that you are gone. There are times when I am ... when the thought of you does not bring me to tears anymore and I almost feel guilty. Then there are times like Sunday where I am in church and I can see you in the pew beside Dad, worshiping God. I feel like a nut job, sitting in the pew with tears pouring down my cheeks. If it weren't for Dad, we wouldn't sit in that row anymore. I would sit us somewhere near the back where the tears could flow and no one would notice. This Sunday the sermon was about worship. You always loved worship. I couldn't get past Blaine quick enough when I saw Lee coming up to give me a hug. I melted in her arms and bawled uncontrollably. I couldn't fight it any more. I didn't even cry like that at your funeral. I have been so "strong" and held together, not for me but for Dad and the kids.
Today and appraiser came out to tell us the value of the property. As I walked downstairs I remembered the master bedroom when it used to be Peter's and then my bedroom. I remembered having the stomach flu in the other bedroom and using the furnace room for my puke bucket. As I took him outside I showed him where I spray painted my name on the concrete wall and denied being the one who painted it on there. When we went into the garage I could visualize all the skinned rabbits that dad had butchered and hung to dry in the garage. I thought of the endless games of hide and seek and kick the can. Peter and Mona were out there as well today. Dad decided to come because Peter was there.
Dad is having a rough time mom. I can't help but feel like he is giving up. You always worried about him being left and suffering a broken heart. I am trying so hard to keep him busy, to get him out ... I can't heal his heart though. I had a good talk with him about him not being allowed to give up. He agrees that he can't but he is reading his bible every morning and I think he feels cheated ... I think he feared that you wouldn't make it and that he would be left alone. I think that is why he always looked out the window and wished for the rapture. I don't want to loose him too ... I don't want to be selfish and see him hurt though either. At first there was a small amount of breathing room when you passed away, like a battle had been fought and it was time to rest now. It wasn't long till that feeling returned though and I now feel like we are back fighting again, this time for Dad though.
I just tucked sweet Ginny into bed and she hugged her precious Nana Bear and said "mommy, every night that I go to sleep I hug my bear so tight and kiss it, just like I would Nana." then she said "wouldn't it be so cool if we could kiss something and think of someone and that person, no matter where they were would feel it?" We prayed that God would give you a big hug and a kiss from the two of us tonight.
Love you mom,
Always and forever
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