Since you passed away I have been struggling immensely with guilt. Feeling guilty about loosing my patience, wishing I had stayed the night, wishing I had hugged you and prayed with you. A few nights ago I was having one of those overwhelming moments. I was camped up in my room where I have been going lately, after I put the kids to bed. It was late and I tried having a hot bath but it seemed to make things worse. For some reason I found myself standing in between Malakai and Ginny's bedroom. Without even thinking about it I whispered Ginny's name, asking her if she was sleeping. Ginny whispered back that she was still awake. I crawled into bed with her and told her that I missed you. She took her arms and snuggled me close, rubbing my back as she assured me that she too missed you. My body shook as I tried so hard to keep my tears in. I didn't want to make her cry. She so lovingly continued to rub my back telling me that you were in heaven with your best friend Ginny and that you weren't sick anymore. I told her how special she was to me and how I am so grateful for her.
As I crawled back into my bed it was like a light bulb went on. God used that moment with Ginny to show me just how special I was to you. All she did was hold me and rub my shoulder and I felt the love that she has for me. Time and time again you told me that God gave me to you as a very special gift. In the last few months with you, you would have difficulties doing daily tasks that you once did without even thinking. You would thank me over and over again for helping you and you would tell me how much you appreciate me. So, while I didn't express my love 24/7 and while I may have at times been impatient with you ... I know that I am forgiven and that you knew I loved you. It is special moments like these when I reminded that I am not alone and that our Jesus is here with me now.
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