Hi my Mommy;
Today Lee invited me to the market with Kaela and her. I was looking forward to it but then last night I woke up with some sort of stomach bug. You know me and how I get when I feel like I am going to puke. Needless to say, I survived the night but was still feeling off today. I knew how much it meant to Lee though so I pushed myself, and I am glad that I did.
We had a really good visit over lunch and of course, it was all about you. :) Seems like everything these days resolves around my memories of you, something that you would like or something that you would have said. Anyways I especially wonder now if we will remember those that we have left behind when we go to heaven. All three of us were buzzing with our own thoughts and feelings but I will let you know what gives me peace and how I think it might be.
I think that you can look down on us from heaven and I think that you are still a prayer warrior for all of us. Of course the idea of you seeing us grieve your loss would naturally only cause you heartache but since time is so different on earth than it is in heaven I think that you would be so excited to be only "days" from seeing us. :) I want to think that you would not necessarily know all the trials that we would have to go through but instead know the end game plan and when we will once again be reunited. I don't know! It may sound so bizzare to someone else but it gives me peace. It helps me to get by knowing that to you it may be a day, or week till we meet again. At least for one of us it will seem less time.
So many people ask how I am doing. How do you answer that? Do they really want to hear every time they ask that I am lonely, grief stricken, that I wish you were still here with us? Probably not ... So instead, I say "good." I hear from people that grief takes time, some days are good, some days are bad. How about some MOMENTS are good and some are bad? Sometimes I wake up and almost feel guilty that I am not sad but then evening comes and I am a weeping mess. I have no way of controlling when it will hit me, or what triggers it. For that reason alone, it is nice to stick close to home. Blaine went to hang pictures at the apartment for dad today and I can't believe how hard it is for me to sit in your chair and visit with him. It seems so foreign yet at the same time it is good.
The kids have been acting up, the house is a disaster, yet I can still hear you saying ... "your house is never a disaster." I tidied a bit but I figured a financially organized home is better than a clean one. Since I have been struggling to get your finances worked out, I have let ours slip through the cracks.
Lee had such a wonderful idea of asking the kids to tell me their memories of you and right them down in a book so that they will never forget you. I asked Malakai tonight what he remembers of you. Of course I got "I don't know!" I was quiet for awhile though and soon he said "that Nana taught me how to crochet." Thank you so much for that. He loves that new little hobby that you taught him and you would be so proud to finally have someone to sit and crochet with. Then he said ... "I remember reading with Nana. I got to read the red parts in that book and Ginny and Nana read the other colors. I really liked that book." I remember buying that book for you to read to the kids. Thank you for making it special for them.
Well mom, I should get my budgeting on the go here. It was good chatting to you again. Wish you would just stop being so quiet and answer me for a change.
Love you Always!
Tammy
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