Easter Weekend

Hey mom,

Today was good Friday.  It has been two days since your funeral and last night was the first night that I didn't cry before falling asleep.  I honestly thought I was going to have a good day with no tears.  Thoughts are one thing and far from reality sometimes.  Today's message was put into the perspective of losing a loved one.  How appropriate!  Of course, the tears spilled down my cheeks and if anyone could relate to that sermon more it was us. 

After the service we stopped by dad's to visit with him for awhile.  I often glance into your room to see your bed made with your two bibles neatly placed on top.  I put them there to give dad comfort.  Today when I glanced in I noticed your bibles were not placed one on top of the other.  I also noticed your favourite jeans and a green blouse of yours laid out for you.  I am not sure how they got there but I imagine dad placed them there.  I think he had a rough night without you last night.  I invited him to Jim and Rose's on Easter Sunday.  I hope and pray that he comes. 

This afternoon we went to Roland and Linda's for a fish fry in honour of Good Friday.  It was fun but Malakai had too much sugar and lost his temper in front of everyone.  The screaming display embarrassed me and made me want to walk right out the front door and go home.  He had said he didn't like me and that I was mean. There would have been a time where Malakai saying that would have made me snap back at him.  Today, that comment stung.  Michelle made a comment about how "it must hurt like heck to have your mom die when you yourself are so young."  Die!  Wow!  What a cold, scary word. 

I think about the future and raising my kids in this crazy world.  Today I feel a sting of panic.  How will I ever cope without your encouragement, your words of wisdom, and your prayers?  Please pray for Malakai!  Pray that God will help me into raising him into a wonderful, happy, young man. 

Why didn't I pray on the phone with you?  I know that you wanted me to, but pride got the best of me.  Please forgive me!  If I could take time back, even for a week, I would have prayed for you ... With you!  I still don't know how to make the regrets go away.  I don't know how to forgive myself.  I am my worst enemy. 

Maybe if I just imagine you in the hospital tonight, I can get through the night thinking that I still have tomorrow. 

Love you Mom! 
Forever and Always,

Tammy