Mom, April 10, 2013
This has been a hard week. Sunday Mona, Jay, Bernie and I went out to the acreage to go through and clean the kitchen. It looks so "empty." There were some disagreements but I stuck to myself, cleaning the kitchen. I find it harder to be in the apartment at Discovery than I do at the acreage. Probably because we were just starting to visit you more at Discovery. I am still struggling with guilt when I think about those last few months. I have so many regrets that they haunt me daily. Lee had said not to accept them because they are from the enemy. Sometimes they are just so hard to ignore though.
Monday morning was a time of celebration and the first thing I wanted to do was call you. Ginny got her braces off. I just can't believe how beautiful and grown up she is getting. I am sure I will shed many tears of missing you as she reaches her milestones in the months and years to come. Peter and I would like to take Dad to Germany in the fall but we are both unsure if we can afford it. It may be one of those things that you just have to make work. I can only imagine how overjoyed Dad would be to take us to Germany and show us around. I wish that we were planning on you coming. You always wanted to go there with him.
So many people are asking me how I am doing and I have gotten really good at convincing everyone that "I am good." Truth is ... not many understand and not many want to hear me talk about you endlessly. Truth is ... sometimes reality hits all to well and I feel like I am suffocating. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I just want to scream. Even just sitting here in bed with Blaine sleeping by my side I feel overwhelmed with sorrow. People say that "it will get easier." I can't see that far ahead. Right now it seems so far away that it's as if they are just saying it to make themselves feel better. there are a few that have been great help, Terry being one of them. He and Larissa gave me a card and it expressed how I need to take time to grieve and the grieving process could take up to 2 years. God has his work cut out for him if this is going to take 2 years. All I keep going back to is the scripture that you loved enough to give it to Blaine on his baptism ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Trying hard to trust.
The last few days have been filled with great memories of you from the kids. Keegan thinks that we shouldn't talk about you because it makes us sad and Opa sad. I corrected him and told him it was healthy to talk about you. Ginny remembers you giving her, her "Nana Bear." I laughed because I remember you and me going through the stores in Jasper when she was only a year old when we found that bear. Can you imagine that you paid $80.00 for that thing. :) Well mom, rest assured, it was the most cherished $80.00 ever. There were other things that the kids remembered to but I am drawing a blank right now. I wanted to write them down sooner but just never got around to it.
Amongst your kitchen, we found 2 very special books that the kids and I have decided to read. They are special books and Ginny and Malakai are really enjoying the fact that they have come from your house. In one of them it talked of Jesus Resurrection and Easter Sunday. I found it interesting how you went to heaven so close to Easter. Was their a celebration in heaven on Easter Sunday? I imagine you, Grandma Ginny, Grandma Meatha and Oma all linked arms, walking through the gardens of heaven. The birds fluttering everywhere with you talking about each one of them.
Tonight I was reading your bible and I can't remember what I was reading but I was thinking about how I asked you if you still loved Jesus. I hope I didn't offend you, but even reading your bible I saw how on fire you were for God in the things you wrote, the verses you underlined. In the last few month you didn't really have that fire anymore. Yet it dawned on me that we all have seasons of dryness. Perhaps it wasn't that you weren't excited about Jesus but just going through a dry patch. Even now as I think this over again I picture you in our 7th row seat, sitting beside Dad on Christmas Eve. You were so sick. As I stood in front of the congregation reciting my monologue I glanced over at you and there you were with your eyes closed, praying to God. What was going through your head? Did you know that your days were numbered? Had God been preparing your heart? Maybe your last few months were spent pondering more than anything. I am reminded right now of how when you fell and cracked your ribs you were so tired of being sick, so tired of Dad being grumpy with you, so tired of feeling weak that you laid in your bed on your side and told me you didn't want to live any more. Reassuring to know that God was listening to you and answered your prayers only a couple of weeks later, Sad that you had to leave. You left me so quickly that I wish I had stayed that night. I wish I had known. I wish I had curled up in bed beside you and just spent that last night with you. Instead ... I didn't even kiss you or hug you goodnight. I told you I loved you and that I would see you in the morning. I wish that I could say I love you now and see you in the morning.
I LOVE YOU MOM! I hope with all my heart that you hear Malakai's prayers every night as he asks God to tell you that we love you sooooo much!
Always and Forever
Tammy
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