Precious Visits

For months my mind would take me down horrible paths where mom was at her worst.  The times she fell in the bathroom and I was the only one dad would call.  The time where Blaine and I showed up before the Emergency Gala and she was so out of it that she couldn't even stay awake to carry on a conversation with us.  Or the last time she was in the hospital, only moments before she passed away.  For some reason every time my mind would go there I would let it and re live it over and over and over again.

It took time and coaxing from Blaine before I finally locked those pictures in a closet somewhere in the depths of my brain and opened new doors filled with happier memories.  It was when I did that, that I started dreaming of her.  Oh how I love her visits in my dreams.  They are usually very short visits and not always good.  I recently had a dream where she was scolding me.  I didn't wake up very pleasant that morning.  Blaine can agree with that.  Last night was the best visit of all though.  Please don't think I am a quack and that I "see" dead people.  :)  It was only when writing this that I refer to them as visits.  I will explain why, or rather you will soon understand but first let me catch you up on how last night came about.  

On Thursday morning at 6:00am Blaine pulled out of our driveway on his motorbike.  All that he took was enough gear to get him through a 4 day adventure, across the border, down twisty roads, and through the mountains with 17 guys and their treasured possessions.  So, for the last 3 days I have cleaned, purged, and organized.  I thought of him often and had a hard time falling asleep without him by my side.  Last night I especially struggled since I had my airbrakes course early this morning.  It was nearly 11:00pm when I finally began to fall asleep.  

As I laid in bed, my eyes closed, my breathing steady, sleep nearer and nearer, I was transported to the living room at the acreage.  As I looked towards moms chair I heard her laughter and there she was, sitting in her fav. chair, still in her p.j's and a smile on her face.  She laughed and said how glad she was that I was able to stop in for a visit.  I can't quite remember what we said but the conversation was long and filled with laughter.  She asked me how I was doing and talked about her birds and how she enjoys watching them.  The craziest part was that the whole time I was aware that I was not fully asleep.  Tears began to stream down my cheeks.  My breath was caught in my throat.  I willed her to stay.  She stayed, and continued to talk and laugh with me.  Soon though, she was gone as quickly as she came.  

As I laid in my bed, my pillow wet with tears I remembered the last course that I was in.  I resigned halfway through the course because mom had passed away only 2 days before.  Perhaps that is why my mind lead me to this precious visit.  God knew that without Blaine by my side, I needed my mom more than ever.   

It doesn't end there though.  My alarm was set for 5:15am but before it went off my dad and I were driving down the Buford road with a beautiful winter wonderland surrounding us.  As I looked out to the side, past my dad driving There was my mom, trudging down a snowing path with three of her greatest friends.  She smiled again and said "I know, I know, don't always rush me."  She then looked at me with a sarcastic expression like she usually did when Dad rushed her.  :)  I immediately woke up and realized it was 5:08.  I would wake up any morning before my alarm with a visit as precious as that one. 

Hugs and kisses for the ones we love

Mom,

I am so excited that Blaine and I were able to escape to Cuba, just the two of us.  It was a nice break.  After being back for only a few days Blaine stated the obvious in saying that we only ran from the stress instead of making it go away.  To me, we took a much needed break from our stress and gained more strength to deal with it when we got back home.

I thought of heaven a lot when I was sitting on the beach.  Does heaven have a Crystal clear ocean with white sandy beaches?  I even wondered if we eat in heaven.  Blaine doesn't think so but in the garden of eden Eve tempted Adam with a fruit.  Even if there were just Mango's, pineapples and coconut in heaven I would be happy.

I still can't believe that you are gone.  There are times when I am ... when the thought of you does not bring me to tears anymore and I almost feel guilty.  Then there are times like Sunday where I am in church and I can see you in the pew beside Dad, worshiping God.  I feel like a nut job, sitting in the pew with tears pouring down my cheeks.  If it weren't for Dad, we wouldn't sit in that row anymore.  I would sit us somewhere near the back where the tears could flow and no one would notice.  This Sunday the sermon was about worship.  You always loved worship.  I couldn't get past Blaine quick enough when I saw Lee coming up to give me a hug.  I melted in her arms and bawled uncontrollably.  I couldn't fight it any more.  I didn't even cry like that at your funeral.  I have been so "strong" and held together, not for me but for Dad and the kids.

Today and appraiser came out to tell us the value of the property.  As I walked downstairs I remembered the master bedroom when it used to be Peter's and then my bedroom.  I remembered having the stomach flu in the other bedroom and using the furnace room for my puke bucket.  As I took him outside I showed him where I spray painted my name on the concrete wall and denied being the one who painted it on there.  When we went into the garage I could visualize all the skinned rabbits that dad had butchered and hung to dry in the garage.  I thought of the endless games of hide and seek and kick the can.  Peter and Mona were out there as well today.  Dad decided to come because Peter was there.

Dad is having a rough time mom.  I can't help but feel like he is giving up.  You always worried about him being left and suffering a broken heart.  I am trying so hard to keep him busy, to get him out ... I can't heal his heart though.  I had a good talk with him about him not being allowed to give up.  He agrees that he can't but he is reading his bible every morning and I think he feels cheated ... I think he feared that you wouldn't make it and that he would be left alone.  I think that is why he always looked out the window and wished for the rapture.  I don't want to loose him too ... I don't want to be selfish and see him hurt though either.  At first there was a small amount of breathing room when you passed away, like a battle had been fought and it was time to rest now.  It wasn't long till that feeling returned though and I now feel like we are back fighting again, this time for Dad though.

I just tucked sweet Ginny into bed and she hugged her precious Nana Bear and said "mommy, every night that I go to sleep I hug my bear so tight and kiss it, just like I would Nana."  then she said "wouldn't it be so cool if we could kiss something and think of someone and that person, no matter where they were would feel it?"  We prayed that God would give you a big hug and a kiss from the two of us tonight.

Love you mom,
Always and forever  

Memories are floating through the air

Apr 11, 2013

Memories are floating through the air

At first I was concerned.  Why are the kids not upset?  Why are they not talking about Nana? As weeks have now passed, occasionally the little tears are found pooling in the corners of their eyes and the soft whisper of her name often leave their lips.  It is the process of grieving.  Some have a harder time than others do.  Some cry, some get angry.  We have had it all in this house.  The greatest part is the stories.  Take our conversation that we had this morning ...

Ginny - I remember when Nana helped out at Bible Camp.  I stayed at her house for the week and every morning we would wake up and she would take me in the Smart Car to VBS. I remember how every morning Ginny and Nana would arrive at VBS and Mom had Ginny's hair curled or braided or clipped up.  

Malakai - Nana loved Rhubarb. Oh how she did.  She loved to make Strawberry, Rhubarb Jam.    

Ginny - Oh thats right.  She would always give me a small knife and tell me to go out and cut as much rhubarb as I could than her and I would sit on the deck and cut the Rhubarb up into small pieces.  After that she would give each kid a bowl of sugar and a stick of Rhubarb to eat.   

As I am blogging Malakai comes up into my room.  He is washing his hands with my coconut hand soap.  He must know what I am doing because he quickly leans over onto the bed and says ... Now I remember another remembering ... Me Keegan, and Ginny were all over at Opa's and he had a coconut and he opened it up and poured it into a glass.  First it was me that tried it, and I didn't like it.  Next Ginny tried it and she didn't like it.  Both Keegan and Nana tried it and they didn't like it either.  Finally Opa tried it, and he liked it! 

So much to say with all the time in the world

Mom,                                                                                                                             April 10, 2013

This has been a hard week.  Sunday Mona, Jay, Bernie and I went out to the acreage to go through and clean the kitchen.  It looks so "empty."  There were some disagreements but I stuck to myself, cleaning the kitchen.  I find it harder to be in the apartment at Discovery than I do at the acreage.  Probably because we were just starting to visit you more at Discovery.  I am still struggling with guilt when I think about those last few months.  I have so many regrets that they haunt me daily.  Lee had said not to accept them because they are from the enemy.  Sometimes they are just so hard to ignore though. 

Monday morning was a time of celebration and the first thing I wanted to do was call you.  Ginny got her braces off.  I just can't believe how beautiful and grown up she is getting.  I am sure I will shed many tears of missing you as she reaches her milestones in the months and years to come.  Peter and I would like to take Dad to Germany in the fall but we are both unsure if we can afford it.  It may be one of those things that you just have to make work.  I can only imagine how overjoyed Dad would be to take us to Germany and show us around.  I wish that we were planning on you coming.  You always wanted to go there with him.

So many people are asking me how I am doing and I have gotten really good at convincing everyone that "I am good."  Truth is ... not many understand and not many want to hear me talk about you endlessly.  Truth is ... sometimes reality hits all to well and I feel like I am suffocating.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that I just want to scream.  Even just sitting here in bed with Blaine sleeping by my side I feel overwhelmed with sorrow.  People say that "it will get easier."  I can't see that far ahead.  Right now it seems so far away that it's as if they are just saying it to make themselves feel better.  there are a few that have been great help, Terry being one of them.  He and Larissa gave me a card and it expressed how I need to take time to grieve and the grieving process could take up to 2 years.  God has his work cut out for him if this is going to take 2 years.  All I keep going back to is the scripture that you loved enough to give it to Blaine on his baptism ... "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."  Trying hard to trust. 

The last few days have been filled with great memories of you from the kids.  Keegan thinks that we shouldn't talk about you because it makes us sad and Opa sad.  I corrected him and told him it was healthy to talk about you.  Ginny remembers you giving her, her "Nana Bear."  I laughed because I remember you and me going through the stores in Jasper when she was only a year old when we found that bear.  Can you imagine that you paid $80.00 for that thing.  :)  Well mom, rest assured, it was the most cherished $80.00 ever.   There were other things that the kids remembered to but I am drawing a blank right now.  I wanted to write them down sooner but just never got around to it.

Amongst your kitchen, we found 2 very special books that the kids and I have decided to read.  They are special books and Ginny and Malakai are really enjoying the fact that they have come from your house.  In one of them it talked of Jesus Resurrection and Easter Sunday.  I found it interesting how you went to heaven so close to Easter.  Was their a celebration in heaven on Easter Sunday?  I imagine you, Grandma Ginny, Grandma Meatha and Oma all linked arms, walking through the gardens of heaven.  The birds fluttering everywhere with you talking about each one of them. 

Tonight I was reading your bible and I can't remember what I was reading but I was thinking about how I asked you if you still loved Jesus.  I hope I didn't offend you, but even reading your bible I saw how on fire you were for God in the things you wrote, the verses you underlined.  In the last few month you didn't really have that fire anymore.  Yet it dawned on me that we all have seasons of dryness.  Perhaps it wasn't that you weren't excited about Jesus but just going through a dry patch.  Even now as I think this over again I picture you in our 7th row seat, sitting beside Dad on Christmas Eve.  You were so sick.  As I stood in front of the congregation reciting my monologue I glanced over at you and there you were with your eyes closed, praying to God.  What was going through your head?  Did you know that your days were numbered?  Had God been preparing your heart?  Maybe your last few months were spent pondering more than anything.  I am reminded right now of how when you fell and cracked your ribs you were so tired of being sick, so tired of Dad being grumpy with you, so tired of feeling weak that you laid in your bed on your side and told me you didn't want to live any more.  Reassuring to know that God was listening to you and answered your prayers only a couple of weeks later, Sad that you had to leave.  You left me so quickly that I wish I had stayed that night.  I wish I had known.  I wish I had curled up in bed beside you and just spent that last night with you.  Instead ... I didn't even kiss you or hug you goodnight.  I told you I loved you and that I would see you in the morning.  I wish that I could say I love you now and see you in the morning. 

I LOVE YOU MOM!  I hope with all my heart that you hear Malakai's prayers every night as he asks God to tell you that we love you sooooo much! 

Always and Forever
Tammy