I have this overwhelming urge to get in my truck and search for you right now.  I don't think that I am entirely loosing my mind.  I know that I won't actually find you but I might find a spot where I feel super close to you.  Blaine shared with me the other day how he missed me ... When did I leave?  Did you take a part of me with you when you left?  Maybe I am not only wanting to search for you but for me as well.  It feels as though I am losing everyone around me right now.  Am I pushing them away or is this just life and the cards that we are dealt right now? This is silly.  It has been nearly a year and for 2 weeks I felt like we had reached a new normal.  Our new normal didn't last long though.  Now we are drowning in life again as Dad has been admitted into the hospital.  How long does this cloak of grievance have to cover me?  I feel like locking myself away from everyone so that I don't pour my bitterness and anger on them.  Its not fair to the kids and it's especially not fair to Blaine.